FUN FACTS:
If you watch JAWS backwards, it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to people who need them.
I asked the checker at Wal-Mart where the nuts were, she said, "Pretty much any aisle!"
If you wear your jeans for 5 days in a row, they become baggy, and it looks like you're losing weight. Follow me for more weight loss tips.
My wife rang me at the bar and said, "If you're not home in 10 minutes, I'm giving the dinner I cooked for you to the dog." I was home in 5 minutes. I'd hate for anything to happen to the dog!
My wife said, "Can I please have some peace and quiet while I cook?" So, I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
My wife was in an accident. She told the officer that the man she hit was on his phone and drinking.
The officer told her that the guy is able to do those things... since he was in his living room!
I bought a pair of shoes with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.
The salesman told me that the Rolls Royce is the "Cadillac" of cars!
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
(credit: Archie King)
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon... I'll let you know!
I'm so good at snoring that I can do it in my sleep.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
I replied, "No."
She responded: "How about now?"
I saw a woman walking her dog and talking to it like it was understanding. I went inside and told my cat, boy did we laugh and laugh!
Apparently, Herman's Hermits -are releasing a new song for seniors, "Mrs. Brown you've got a lovely walker."
I was in a bookstore the other day. Saw a book titled, "How to Solve 50% of your problems."
I bought two copies!
The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished.
Can't fool me. I always know that the dinosaurs in movies are fake.
I wonder if my recorded call has ever been used for training or quality purposes.
The fact that Keith Richards and Willie Nelson have outlived Richard Simmons has me rethinking this whole healthy diet and exercise thing!
The GPS in my car just got an upgrade. It's now "Senior" compatible. It not only tells me how to get to my destination, it reminds me why I wanted to get there.
In a span of eleven years 115 people died in weightlifting accidents at the gym. In the same eleven years only one person died eating a donut. Make good choices!
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